Prince's Last Christmas 06

I am a person that tends to keep a lot of things inside...
something my friends are trying to beat out of me...

just recently...
dealt with the loss of a member of my family
i knew he wasnt well...he was losing weight...
generally not his usual self

before christmas...we learned...he had to be put down.
there was no way i was going to make mother go through that shit alone...after the loss of my first dog...i swore i would be there next time.

i think i could have handled it better...but...there was nothing...nothing i could do in the end. he was so scared...i dont think he even recognized us the terror was that bad.

he was a very happy yard dog...an indoor yard dog mind you. he thought he was a small dog, but he really wasnt lol...

so.,.when i learned this news...that his time was coming...i did one last photo shoot with him...it annoyed him so much...he did not like cameras at all...

he was a good dog...he helped me out more than i would care to admit...he was there for me when i was first dealing with my suicidal depression, the shakes, the cutting, all of it...it was as though he could feel what i was feeling and felt a need to fix...in a way he did...not sure i would be here if he wasnt there...cant say for certain...

he was a beggy beast...more than willing to rest his chin on your shoulder while you were eating as if to ask...are you going to finish that...he would marine crawl across the floor until at your feet staring up with beggy eyes...or perch directly under the table waiting for precious table droppings

he was a not so subtle bed stealing dog...he would just climb on up and flop himlsef dead center of my bed and then avoid eye contact as though to say what? a few nights i let him have the bed and took the floor (he looked too comfy to ask to move)

he was a stealthy dog at times...managing to steal one of my Dads meat pies...(he spends days making them...they are the w00t and in the time it took me to drive mother to work...he managed to chow down an entire meat pie and take a paw print out of another...dad was not amused)

he loved toys of all kinds...but his favorites were water bottles...socks and anything you playfully offered to him...the water bottles he had the most fun with cause they made so much noise...he liked that...

thing that fucked me up the most...even after all this...after the incident...the hours of photo processing...the fact that every time i open my door i still expect him to be there...was how scared he was...

he hated cars...HATED them...panic attack every ride...
he hated being outside his yard....
he hated being at the vet...that place scared him so much...
...
in the end...he had to face all three...and nothing i could do made any difference. he couldnt hear me...i dont think he recognized us...it was as though he was begging us to save him...get him away from there like all the other times...
i do my best to do everything i can to be there for everyone that matters...to do everything in my power to help...but i could do absolutely fucking nothing....that hit hard...

i try to focus on the business...
i try to focus on the distractions, sexy art and photos, amazing imagery fluffy movies and books ...tangled, MLP, anime mangas anything...but still...not in a good place

in the end...
this is all i could do for him...so little...so fucking little....
show him as i saw him...let you see him as he was
a Prince
Our Precious Prince